Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

Onion rings.

What sounds do other vegetables make?

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.