Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”

[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD

If I had a dollar for every time a first-time pregnant woman looked me in the face and told me she could tell that her baby was gonna have a “chill personality,” I could buy you a Subway™️ sandwich. Not one of the cheap ones either, one of the limited series.

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.