The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
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Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad