The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
You Might Also Like
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
My doctor didn’t finish at the top of her class, but she assures me she copied off the person who did.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately