The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
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Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Breaking news:
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
nice challenge
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”