The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
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Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Halloween is cool because it鈥檚 the one night a year I don鈥檛 get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I was swindled; step-counting doesn鈥檛 include when my memory is jogged
When cows do it, it鈥檚 Reverse Girlcow
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn鈥檛 say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 馃鈿★笍
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Nothing says I don鈥檛 want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh