The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
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I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
This is true.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Had an epiphany today.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does