Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.