Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”

if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

My humor is broken

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.