The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
You Might Also Like
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.