The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
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Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
A small tragedy.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
My dream car is a taco truck.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.