Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*knocks on bedroom window*

*holds up phone *

YOU LEFT ME ON READ!

Auto correct is my worst enema.

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?