Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

Every time.

I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.