The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
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Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
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Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.