The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
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2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
ew if literal: let me be clear
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I’m literally crying
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Barbie gone wild
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
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