The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
You Might Also Like
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
crying
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.