The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
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me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I love this❤️😁👍
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?