The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
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“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
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*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
*power walks to the refrigerator*
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.