The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
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What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Home #decor warning.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
a lot to unpack here
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on