The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
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No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors