The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
i love meeting boys on tinder
![]()
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I cannot call her anything else now
![]()
![]()
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.