Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.

Me: Okay.

[30 minutes later]

Son: What keeps beeping??

Me: I have no idea

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—

ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.