The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
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*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
You know I’m something of a chef myself
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.