The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
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[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
The glockness monster
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.