The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
You Might Also Like
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
🙋♀️
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Have kids, they said
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…