The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
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“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.