The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
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My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Just grow your own
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
sweet dreams💖
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,