The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
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Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Watson was Holmes schooled
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
