It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
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Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please