The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
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If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet