Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?