The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
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Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The devil.
Smooooooth
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.