Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

What do you hear?

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

I ain’t wearing no wire

Nice try, poison.

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

That lamp looks PISSED.

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

Order here:
More here:

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.