Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

what could possibly go wrong?

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

NASA has no chill

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

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haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day