The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
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A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
twitter users today:
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21