Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.