@Chelsea_Elle

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

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@rn_murse

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

@Jenny4ashley

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

@causticbob

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

@Jamberee13

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

@MizzTangles

Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.

@chuuew

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

@Snarfernini

*boss walks in

Me: I lost my contact

Boss: Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk?

Me:

Boss:

Me: Shut the door when you leave

@KMoFlo_official

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.