Real House Wines.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
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Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
“I’m not sure yet”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
*boss walks in
Me: I lost my contact
Boss: Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk?
Me: Shut the door when you leave
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.