The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
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My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I put the p in pants.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
I’m calling the cops.