The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
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A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.