The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
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“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
me when I see my crush
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Holy crap this is wonderful
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
i meant to share this earlier
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.