The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
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[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Easy enough.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Every work meeting this week
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?