The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
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A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
how to exercise your calf muscles
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life