The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
You Might Also Like
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels