The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
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She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
next question.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?