The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
こいつ天才
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Generation gap…
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
