Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.