The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
