The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
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There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
dream blunt rotation
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.