The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
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Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
when you are just born a rebel
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break