Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

good news everyone

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

Well, shit

gender is a sprctrum

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

Roses are red
Violets are blue

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage