The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
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Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
john wicks are toilet candles
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
This is so me 😂😂
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.