The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.

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just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping


him: I love indiana jones movies

me: I’ll introduce you to my friend. she LOVES steven spielberg

him: awesome

him: hi

steven spielberg’s wife: hello


I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.


Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.


Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working


Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.


Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up


I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.


The gingham is holding a grudge because burlap and seersucker didn’t invite corduroy to their party.

Social fabric is complex.