just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
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him: I love indiana jones movies
me: I’ll introduce you to my friend. she LOVES steven spielberg
steven spielberg’s wife: hello
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
I just laughed so hard I have to go use a rescue inhaler now
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
The gingham is holding a grudge because burlap and seersucker didn’t invite corduroy to their party.
Social fabric is complex.