The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
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Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
The real reason evolution started..😂
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant