The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
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I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
☺️
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.