The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
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Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.