The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
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When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks