The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
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If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Breaking news:
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus