The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
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I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.