Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head