Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

Bike is short for Bichael.

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.