The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
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Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose