Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

what’s really going on

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back