The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
You Might Also Like
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Boating season is upon us.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.