the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 馃拃” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
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GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn鈥檛 count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Sorry we鈥檙e late, my kid thought he couldn鈥檛 go to school with hiccups
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Pretty much! 馃槀馃憖
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Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let鈥檚 get you home
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
It鈥檚 normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don鈥檛 be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I won鈥檛 get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people鈥檚 tweets.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
If I get suspended again, I鈥檓 just making a LinkedIn account.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that鈥檚 low, Sharon
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore