the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
This forever.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
