Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.

They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.