The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
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ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
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Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital