Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin