The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
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I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.