The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
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Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
me to God
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
And then there were 4
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
