*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
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it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵