Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

Imagine us having sex..

Wrong, more lasagna.

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.