The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
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Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
me, after any kind of buffet.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
sry
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
me 2 months after i graduated
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.