Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@iGreenGod

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

@iamspacegirl

hello I cannot come to work today I’m thinking about sad ghost pigeons slowly sinking down through the statues they loved to sit on in life.

@mean_spice

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

@MsSugar_Kisses

“You should leave your wife…” The secret note I leave on my husband’s windshield every morning…

@buhsbaby_baby

One time I invited a guy over for dinner but I didn’t feel like cooking so I just poured us each a bowl of cereal really romantically.

@vineyille

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

@JediGigi

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

@SaltyCorpse

Foxes are just dogs made out of cats.

@envydatropic

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

@torrami

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.