The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
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I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye