The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
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[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
don’t message me unless you have this energy
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
serving silly goose instead of turkey
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.