The best plant holders?
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Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
what’s in a name?
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
peep davidson
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Life with a cat in one tweet
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt